Life in Perspective

Today I want to start a new journey with you. I am writing this as a journal for you and me to talk about some hard conversations and some joyous life moments. First, I want to introduce myself. I am a Christian, wife, mother of two, and youngest daughter of four girls. I have been with Independence Health System five and a half years. I recently changed my position from Activity Director and Admission to now in the position of Resident Life Coordinator. In short, I am the first connection with most families when looking into senior care assistance. Also, once the individual has made the choice to move in (in any level of care), I am with them to ensure that our community becomes their new home. There are lots of emotions that come during this discovery of needing more assistance for yourself and/or your loved ones. Emotions come in all sizes, colors, and strengths. Respect, ensure individuals choice and rights, guilt, pride/want to stay at home, and many more emotions and thoughts will happen for all parties involved. When we think about growing older, I think of “well that is in the future.” But before we know it, we are older. I have my 40 th birthday coming up in August, so I am still a ‘young pup’, but I am not in my twenties anymore either. My father, grandparents, and some in-laws have passed away so the parentals I have in my life are aging more and more. Being realistic isn’t always easy when I begin to think about aging, and neither is thinking about my death. To break it down more and for me to be even more transparent, I have been on the other side of the window. My grandmother and father-in-law (also some other family members) have both stayed at Independence Health System at the Care Center (nursing home). For their stories, health declined where skilled nursing staff was required. Before making the decision, the family discussed in-home care and family members attempted daily (sometimes multiple daily visits) to set up medications, wash clothes, bathing, cooking, and so much more. This means that the roles of the family members changed. They became nursing, housekeepers and personal assistants. What happens a lot is that those family members become caregivers and lose sight of being a daughter, son, sibling, etc. Deciding that placement needed/ wanted allows for the relationship to transition back, heal, and strengthen. Honestly, this is one of my favorite moments when a new resident moves in. Seeing the residents and family smile. My family and I felt guilt, shame, sorrow, and other feelings when the choice had to be made to admit them into the Care Center. The guilt came for me in the ‘we should have acted sooner,’ ‘why couldn’t we have stepped in to care for him?’ and questioning’ if we had done something different would they had not needed placement into a care facility.’ Shame, for me, goes with guilt but it doesn’t always have to. Sometimes the shame came from my reaction to how my loved ones were acting towards staff and other residents. Also, shame came from when I didn’t visit as much as I SHOULD or COULD have. Feelings of sorrow and sadness are part of the process because the journey of life is real, and it’s right here in the face. Each day we maybe writing the last sentence to our story. God is the only one to know. Thank goodness! Death and Life are simple words with great meaning. For example, with my father-in-law’s journey, this was the last male figure in my husband and sons’ lives. It saddened my heart that my husband was losing his father, and my sons wouldn’t have a living grandfather. The transition back into family roles may take time, each of us is made differently and views life through different glasses. Feelings are big, small, black, white, and all colors in between. Moving into a senior living community is not something you just decide to do one day, it is a process. A process of noticing the need for extra help, having a life changing event, and then agreeing that you will/want to move into a senior living community. Sometimes you may think you want to change your mind but then you make friends and enjoy the journey before you. One thing that I always express to families and seniors is the transition must start with the senior having some acceptance to moving into the senior living community. If the seniors move in and have already decided they don’t want the move, the relationship with the community becomes difficult to start. This relationship is KEY. All of us want to feel safe and know that those around us care about our wellbeing. To review back, I started today on the topic of feelings. I will look at respect first. So, respect for me is not guaranteed and not just given. I say to residents when I have helped them with a task, “Well, you sewed seeds in your life, now it is my turn.” Families want to do anything they can to ‘honor’ their loved ones wishes. During this process, the senior deserves respect, but so does the family. That can be a ‘hard pill to swallow.’ The senior was the one that cared for the family growing up, but now the family wants it back, but there are, should, could be limits to this. The family needs to remember to respect themselves along the journey. This is sometimes easier said than done. Open communication is always the best place to start. Having the senior involved in the decision making, having them be involved in the admission (knowing the steps: physician contacted to give report / order for admission, knowing of community care level requirements, choosing the apartment, signing paperwork, community rules and daily structure, etc.), and making sure that your voice is heard truly makes the transition more likely a success.  The timing of conversations that a senior living community is needed, needs to start early. Family should be asking their loved one “What do you want us to do when you need help showering?”, “When we feel scared about your being at home alone, what assistance measures can we put in place?”, “What feelings do you have when we talk about wanting/needing to move into the nursing home / assistance living?”, and “What do you want your future to look like?” Having you involved shows profound respect and makes the feelings remain positive and gives them choices and opportunities to make decisions. Janal Whistler, Resident Life Coordinator